Sucide Prevention Month

hi guys,

i know, i know, i haven't posted in a while. and im really sorry. to be quite honest, i cannot promise that i will post frequently. i know i said i would try to make it a weekly thing in my last post, but its really hard to keep up with when there's so much going on around me.

i wanted to post tonight in honor of suicide prevention month.

about a year ago, i hit rock bottom. i truly felt horrible every single day of my life. i was being bullied and had experienced a really really bad break up. i had a strong desire to just go to sleep forever. i was apathetic to all aspects of life. i saw no point in anything. i remember so many nights sitting with my mom sobbing, telling her i couldn't take it anymore, as she begged me to fight for myself. i told her i didn't want to. most of that time in my life is a blur. i didn't think i would make it to graduation. i didn't want to make it to graduation. before that i didn't get it, how someone could possibly feel so bad that they believed no longer being here was the solution. but now i do. i'm sure its a different experience for everyone, but for me it was waking up with dread every single day, wanting to sleep through any sort of event like homecoming or football games so i wouldn't have to sit, thinking about the fact that i was alone and had no friends. i spent a lot of time sleeping. i was either filled with sadness, anger, or complete apathy. 

but then, slowly, it got better. and i didn't do it on my own. i couldn't have done it on my own. for personal reasons, i'm not going to share what pulled me out of the place that i was in. i'm just here to tell you that it can get better. i know everyone says it, but i'm living proof that if you push through and take it one day at a time, you will eventually be ok. no, not everyday is bad. you're going to have bad days, even after recovery. i don't have advice for every situation, all i can tell you is that it will be okay. you have so much more to live for than you think. 

i would've missed out on meeting so many people who love me, listening to new music i adore, and so so much more. 

let this be your sign to stay. 

if you or someone you know is struggling, reach out to 988 for support.

luv.xoxo

dramaaa

hey guys!!

trying to get back into posting at least once a day... lets see if we can do it. so here's a quick update on some of the drama currently going on. so basically there's this friend group in my dorm that i'm sort of a part of but also trying to distance myself from. they keep making comments about how i think of them as my backup friends because i also hang out with other people, which confuses me because there's 3,000+ kids in my grade here and its only the second week... anyway they keep making comments like that and they are sort of a little weird. i'm still nice to them and i spend time with them when i can, i just think some of them don't like me because i'm not as committed to the friend group as some people are. also my roommate is in this group, and i don't spend a lot of time with her because of some of the things she does (read previous posts to learn more!). also, in all of my stories i don't use people's actual names for the sake of privacy.

anyway so my roommates name is Caroline. there's another girl in the group who she's gotten very close with named anna. and there's also a guy in the friend group named James, who isn't the only guy but is the only straight guy. so caroline hit it off with james and they were very flirty and got together one time and have been continuing to talk. but recently, james and anna have been getting closer, which my roommate caroline has not been too happy about. they spend time one on one together, will dance together at functions, and are somewhat flirty with each other. keep in mind, anna has a boyfriend back at home who she's been with for a year now. so last night i ended up hanging out with the dorm friend group in someones dorm. caroline has my location and had seen that i had just gotten back to our room so she ran down to come get me to hang out with all of them, and i asked her if everything was ok. she told me no, and explained that shes's upset because james and anna have been spending so much time together, which is the reason i suspected. we go up to the friends dorm and anna and james are of course there, dancing with each other (not in a relationship way, it could totally be seen as friendly but also still made caroline uncomfortable) so caroline was just not really talking to anyone and sitting on the floor and i felt bad. eventually she went to the bathroom, and right when that happened anna and james left together to go get something from someone elses dorm. i texted caroline to give her a heads up, and when she came back to our friends dorm and she wanted to leave. i ended up saying i had to do homework because i was trying to help her get out of there, and she was going to facetime her friend to talk about the situation. 

anyway so i get back to the dorm and she's in our floor longue calling her friend, so i go to the bathroom. when i come back from the bathroom, caroline is sitting on her bed crying because she's so upset. her friend who she called was a guy, and said that james and anna's behavior was weird and she needs to keep an eye out. she also shared with me that james hadn't texted her all day. i sat on her bed with her while she cried and i talked to her and hugged her. i genuinely felt awful because she said this happened a year ago with her ex who she was with for 2 years, he cheated on her with a girl in a relationship who caroline thought she didn't have to worry about, and i understand being anxious from that situation. i told her she should talk to anna because the relationship she has with her is more valuable than the relationship she has with James, and that if he's not interested anymore she won't be able to change his mind. while i do think anna has been rude towards me, i dont want their friendship to end over a guy. someone told me they saw caroline and anna go to the gym together this afternoon, so hopefully everyone is ok. 

that's all i have for now i will keep you guys updated!! there's currently sirens outside and we've had a lot of ambulances come to our dorm building so i'm going to investigate. hoping everything is ok.

luv.xoxo

quick update...

hi!!

so sorry for my lack of activity- i have been so incredibly busy between meeting people and classes starting!! im going to try to encorporate writing into my days more, but you likely wont be hearing from me everyday. my roommate is definitely... something. have i ever mentioned that she's from Colorado? its all she talks about. she also goes to the graveyard for fun. also she told me one of my friends was going to get fatshamed if she went out with this one guy... my friend is no where near fat and shes one of the most gorgeous people ive seen. she also lied to someone who she makes fun of by saying she was step siblings with this guy shes friends with because her mom had cancer and her dad cheated on her mom with the guys mom and now they're married. super messed up. also she changed her pad in the room in front of me. interesting behavior!

anyway i went to pitbull last night and it was fun! our uber highkey dropped us off on the side of the highway but we ended up figuring it out and having a good time. 

luv.xoxo

night out storytime

hey all!!

ok so last night was lowkey crazy but like only a little. so basically at my school there are these orientation week parties that are not run by the school, they're run by outside organizations. so there was supposed to be one last night, today, and tmrw at this theatre place. my friends and i all get dressed up to go out for the first night. we get in an uber, and when we get there we see a police car. we thought "hm that's weird maybe just here to make sure everything goes smoothly." then we get in line and the police start kicking everyone out saying the event isn't happening. and i'm like um what about my money i dropped $70 total on all 3 tickets. then some guys come down to where me and my friends are in line and tell us what happened. APPARENTLY the police ran in the building with their guns drawn because they had a warrant for the owners arrest, which is crazy because nothing violent was happening?? i'm not entirely sure what the laws are surrounding that but we all lowkey thought it was OD. anyway the dude got arrested and the events for the next 2 nights aren't happening so i lost $70 and idk how to get it back. when i asked one of the officers about my money he goes "not my problem" like ok?? so anyway we end up getting an uber back and we convince him to take us through the taco bell drive through and i eventually get back to my dorm at 12:30. not too crazy, but definitely a story. 

luv.xoxo